“On the other side of letting go, there is freedom and peace. You deserve to move through life with ease, not constantly bracing yourself for what might come next.”

This is the daily motivational message that turned up in my inbox during a week in which I really struggled to let go. I learned that pain is inevitable, but that thrashing against it only prolongs the suffering.

Saul McLeod writes that letting go is fundamentally about acceptance. This means acknowledging, “Okay, this is what’s happening right now, and I can’t control it. It is what it is.” It doesn’t mean that you approve of what’s happening or that you won’t take action where you can; it just means that you’re not fighting reality in that moment.

“When you reach that mindset, something powerful happens: the stress starts to fade,” Saul says. “By accepting, you stop adding extra emotional friction. You’re no longer blaming yourself, cursing fate, or anxiously trying to change something unchangeable – all of which generate stress.”

He says that acceptance isn’t a one-time switch, but with practice it allows you to release stress rather than generate it. Instead of avoiding painful feelings, you confront your deepest fears and choose to trust your own resilience and adaptability. It’s about saying: “I will deal with things as they happen, rather than exhaust myself trying to control every twist and turn in advance.”

Why is it that we try to control things? Nick Ortner says that your brain has a very specific job, and that job is not to make you happy, successful or fulfilled. Your brain’s job is to keep you safe. And here’s the kicker: your brain thinks “safe” means “exactly what you’ve done before.”  Nick calls this the familiarity trap. It’s sort of what Derek Thompson says: if you’ve seen it before, it hasn’t killed you yet.

Michelle McQuaid says your brain keeps asking: Am I safe enough or not safe enough to handle what’s happening right now? We react in three different zones.

Red Zone: This is where fawn or fight takes over. When you fear not being respected, valued or included, you become hyper vigilant to any sign that you don’t matter. The fawn side drives us to try to earn our place: people-pleasing, for example. The fight side looks like provoking confrontations to ensure we’re still needed.

Blue Zone: This is where freeze or flee takes over. When the risk of vulnerability becomes too high, we dismiss help, intellectualise feelings and maintain rigid independence. In protecting ourselves from the discomfort of vulnerability, we cut ourselves off from the connection and support that could actually help us feel safer.

Green Zone: This is where we’re feeling safe enough. We trust that we’ll show up for ourselves and ask for help if we need it. We can think clearly and stay curious about what’s happening rather than bracing against it. Difficult feelings move through us rather than taking us over.

Michelle says it helps to notice in which direction you’ve tipped. Are you heating up and taking on too much or provoking confrontations? That’s red. Are you cooling down and withdrawing? That’s blue. It helps to name what’s happening.

Saul says that by labelling what you feel, you create a bit of distance from it. It prevents you from getting stuck, because instead of saying “I am anxious,” you acknowledge, “I’m experiencing anxiety.” This is a mindfulness technique – observing your thoughts and feelings without being swept away by them.

By relaxing in the face of your emotions, you create the space for them to pass through you, Saul explains. It’s like allowing a wave to wash over you, rather than trying to hold it back. There’s no need to do anything. Witness consciousness is about recognising your thoughts and emotions without trying to fix them.

Consciously relaxing your body can support this kind of awareness. Saul says you should ask yourself: Where do I hold tension in my body? Then breathe through it. Let the even rhythm of your breath be an anchor, grounding you in the here and now. When you notice your mind wandering, kindly redirect your attention back to your breath.

Girlfriend, letting go does not mean bottling up or denying emotions. It means permitting yourself to experience them without resistance, so that they can pass through you. Again and again. And yet again. – Angie Kleijn