“In a world that often values compliance over authenticity, the notion of personal freedom becomes not just a luxury but a necessity for our wellbeing.”

Laura Copley uses these words in reference to two psychological studies, the one done by
JN Donald, J Ciarrochi, PD Parker, BK Sahdra, SL Marshall and J Guo in 2018 and the other by
P Muris and H Otgaar in 2023.

She writes that we find ourselves entangled in a web of obligations, constantly saying yes to requests that may not align with our true desires or priorities. “Learning how to say no isn’t merely a skill; it’s an act of self-preservation and empowerment . . . By mastering the art of discernment - knowing when to say yes and, perhaps more importantly, how to say no - we pave the path toward a life governed by authenticity, intentionality, and personal freedom.”

Vanessa Van Edwards says that we have a hard time saying no because it’s evolutionarily ingrained in us to say yes. We have an innate drive to cooperate with others and the desire for social acceptance and fear of causing disappointment or conflict urge us to agree, even when it is against our best interests.

According to Vanessa it is important to say no for a variety of reasons, one of them being that it helps you to maintain integrity. “Saying no allows you to align your actions with your core values. If something doesn’t fit your schedule or clashes with your beliefs, a respectful ‘no’ keeps you true to yourself.”

“Think of saying no as the equivalent of taking a cold shower or making a toast at a party unprepared. It’s a thrill, it’s uncomfortable, but oh boy, does it build character! Saying no is like flexing a muscle - the more you do it, the stronger you become, and the more you get comfortable being out of your comfort zone.”

Laura agrees that saying no ultimately expands your window of tolerance for discomfort and stress and can help you to overcome feelings of guilt or anxiety associated with setting boundaries.

Saying no isn’t just about finding the guts to bluntly refuse; it is also about mastering the art of tact without insincerity, lying or apologising. According to Vanessa, offering an excuse may seem like the polite way to decline a request, but it sets you up for an awkward situation. She gives some examples:

Someone you don’t actually want to befriend asks you to go out for coffee and you say that you already have plans on that specific day. Then they will ask you which other day will suit you.

You’re invited to a party and you say that you can’t go because there is nobody to watch the children. They will say that you’re welcome to bring your children with.

You’re asked to take on a project you don’t want to be involved in and you say you can’t because you have an important deadline. They say that they can put the project on hold until you’re finished with your own work. Vanessa says that no matter what excuse you give, people who are determined to get you to say yes can - and will - come up with a way to reel you in.

If you find it difficult to say no on the spot, remember that you don’t have to answer immediately. Say that you need to think about it and ask if you can get back to them. This buys you time to evaluate the request and prevents impulsive trying-to-please decisions.

Reid Tracy, CEO of Hay House, talks about the “life is too short” approach. He says that he recently used this phrase to describe a project he really didn’t want to do because the people he’d have to deal with just aren’t worth the effort. “It feels so good to make a ‘life is too short’ decision and move on to other projects that I love doing with people I love to create with.”

Christy Whitman asks: “In your own life, can you tell the difference between an action taken from obligation and one that is genuinely inspired? Can you feel the difference in work that’s been done begrudgingly and work that has been offered with joy in the giving?”

Of course we can, girlfriend. Let’s give with joy. Life is too short to keep choosing compliance over authenticity. – Angie Kleijn.