We all know the feeling. You’re merrily going along your way, minding your own business and suddenly . . . like a bolt out of the blue . . . someone says something that pulls the rug out from under you. Fight, flight or freeze? What’s your reaction style, girlfriend?

“First, try to remain present in the moment, and check in with yourself around how your mind and body are reacting,” says professor of psychiatry, dr Adam Gonzalez. “This first step is useful to increasing your awareness of your reactions.”

So, when faced with something you experience as a full-on attack, how do you first turn your attention onto yourself? Nancy Colier says you have to ask the question: “What does this situation or person’s behaviour trigger in me? What pain is generated in me when I am confronted with this behaviour or reality?”

Kiwana Hall explains that emotional triggers are “often related to a traumatic event and can come in the form of an item, word, topic, or memory that elicits strong negative feelings for you. The things that trigger you can affect you regardless of the present circumstances and cause you distress.”

Release the need to hold a grudge against someone when you feel you’re – yet again – deliberately being triggered. Maintaining inner peace is a real challenge when you’re intent on feeding negativity.

You can stay positive by letting go of trying to control the way others perceive you and instead just do what makes you happy. Kiwana says: “So much of our lives are spent doing things out of a sense of obligation or based on the expectations of others. Protect your peace by prioritizing and pursuing the things that genuinely make you happy. Too often, we neglect our needs to prioritize the needs of others. Failing to make time for yourself can eventually lead to resentment, burnout, and feeling overwhelmed.”

You can always make the choice to shift your attention inward. Nancy Colier explains that investigating your own experience does not mean that you are condoning the behaviour that triggers your suffering, nor are you assuming responsibility for having caused it.

When shifting your attention outward, you can easily believe that someone ‘make’ you feel a certain way. Is this someone who is important to you? If so, what do you want to gain? “Do you want to make them feel bad or less important and ‘wrong’ or do you want a relationship with them? Sometimes establishing your personal objective helps to orient your next step,” Beverly D Flaxington says. In relationships you often don’t get what you want because you focus on being right and making the other person pay the price.

Try to tap into curiosity about the other person’s behaviour. “Recognizing that their behaviour stems from their own insecurities, past experiences, or unmet needs can help you respond rather than react to their behaviour,” says Sarah Garone.

The way others act reflects their own emotional state and is not a judgment of you. It reflects what is going on within them. After all, they might simply be projecting their own insecurities.

Claire Dorotik-Nana says that harshly criticizing another, pointing blame or launching an attack all come from the same place: the attacker’s attempt to dislodge some of their own bad feelings onto you. By putting the focus on to you, and what they think you did wrong, they can take the focus off of themselves.

Instead of throwing your own daggers and pointing out their defects, it’s more important to ask why this person’s approach triggers you. “Consider the why, and often you will find a connection between what you consider acceptable behaviour and what is crossing your (imaginary) line,” Beverly says.

“When we get angry, that is a message that someone violated one of our rules,” Paul Christoffersen says. So, let’s look at that rule, and make sure it is serving us. Is it an old rule that we don’t need anymore?”

“Getting curious about what is happening inside us in a particular situation, naming it, understanding it, unpacking its history, and bringing compassion to it – this is the surest path to freeing oneself from the cycle of blame,” Nancy says. “Ultimately, self-awareness is the most powerful and profound antidote to suffering.”

Focus the lens of curiosity onto yourself, girlfriend. As Danielle LaPorte says: Your curiosity is your growth point. Always.