Did you know that there are more requests for stress management workshops between January and March than any other months of the year?

During January and February stress-induced symptoms, such as eczema, high blood pressure and insomnia, are at an all-time high.

So, you’re not alone if you feel that you can’t face a whole new year. And no, you’re not crazy if you feel pressured and exhausted in January after a relaxing holiday. It’s called the holiday blues.

People will tell you that this brand of blues should be suppressed with a good dose of New Year’s resolutions. In my opinion, dementia lies that way. For all the vision this kind of denial provides, I’d rather stand on my head in my cats’ litter tray.

The thing is, setting these resolutions reminds you what happened last year. You wanted certain things to happen. You did everything you could to make them happen. You believed they would certainly happen.But. They. Just. Won’t. Happen.

Maybe it’s because you’re going about it the wrong way. No, hear me out. I’m talking about action styles and I’m even going to quote a very learned theorist to try to impress you. According to Kathy Kolbe you may be working against your conative type.

‘Conative’ basically means ‘doing’. Kathy identified four basic conative styles that people use to approach any task: Fact Finder, Quick Start, Follow Thru (she’s American) and Implementor. You’ll have a definite preference for one of these styles, although you may use a combination of them under certain circumstances. The Fact Finder’s preference is for compiling and then analysing information.

The Quick Start person is one who jumps straight in at the deep end and sinks or swims by trial and error. If you’re a Follow Thru, you will prefer focussing on systems, either inventing your own or following an established system. The Implementor likes converting ideas into tangible shape and prefers working with physical objects.

Not one of these action styles is better than the other, but one of them definitely comes naturally to you.

You just have to find out which one. I’m a Quick Start, the proverbial fool who rushes in where angels fear to tread. To tell me that I have to first sit down and work out a five-year goal and a system in which to approach the goal is like telling a bird it should first map out the sky, making detailed notes about possible predator positions, before it takes off in flight.

Unfortunately I’ve been socialised into believing that my action style is wrong; that I should know what I’m going to say before I open my mouth; that I should know what the last paragraph is going to be before I start writing. In this way I’ve spent many hours in great frustration, trying to follow an approach to things that didn’t come naturally to me.

And I bet you have too. As Colleen- Joy Page would say: You’ve been an apple tree trying to grow oranges. She writes that there is only one reason people would do a thing like that. It is if you use external referencing, going outside of yourself for that which should be found from within.

And you’re using external referencing every time you try to find selfworth, peace, purpose or truth from others or from any external circumstances such as job status, your car, house or bank account.

Okay, so you think others might be doing this, but you certainly don’t. No way you’re depending on external things for your sense of value. Colleen-Joy says you can find out whether you’re doing it by asking the following question: What would it take others to say about you that would make you feel good?

No reaction? Okay, now let’s try the question in reverse: What would it take others to say about you to make you feel bad about yourself? Or which changes in, say, your job status would make you feel bad about yourself?

You see! By becoming aware of this dependence on external things, you may be surprised at how often you lose your centre. You stop losing it by trusting the loving wisdom of your own heart. Feel that? Then smile and say: “I am this.”